The global turn of events this year have left us in unprecedented times and uncharted waters on multiple fronts.
Beyond navigating and digesting massive amounts of information, misinformation, heated opinions, fear and emotion driven news cycles, and 24/7 access to all of the above, we have our own individual lives, loved ones, and responsibilities to nurture and steward. To say it can become a heavy load is an understatement. I have been extremely thankful for being able to process with a therapist through most of this time, and highly recommend it for overall well being, even if it’s preventive care.
As a church going person this year has been particularly challenging. Aside from being disconnected from a life giving community and valuable relationships on a micro level, on a macro level the church at large went through a bit of a ringer. We’ve learned about broken and abusive pastors, patriarchal systems that are rooted in privilege, and I’ve never seen such public criticism – lots of it rightly so. I’m going somewhere with this so stay with me.
If you know me, you know I tend to have a justice bent, for better or worse, and I found myself feeling incredibly angry and bitter at the church as a whole. I remember one day asking myself, “When does this become productive? How does this become productive?” It’s fairly random, but I thought about my favorite cocktail, the Manhattan, and how “bitters” is a necessary ingredient for rounding out the sweet and sour flavors and adding a certain complexity. I began to ask God if bitterness is as useful to me as it is in a good ol’ cocktail.
Here’s where I’ve landed so far: bitterness needs balance.
We feel what we feel for a reason and we shouldn’t be scared of it. What matters more is what we do with it. In this case it drove me to Jesus. Let me say that again: It. Drove. Me. To. Jesus. It reminded me of my own need for grace, and the power of forgiveness, and it also created a space for me to find gratitude for the good things about church. Bitterness left to its own devices without balancing it out with the above creates a tarnish over our hearts and lives. A Manhattan made only with bitters would be spit right out. Nobody would want to be served that drink.
One night during this time of processing my bitterness with Jesus I was worshipping in my kitchen while making dinner and a song by Housefires came on called “Thin”. The lyrics went: “If it’s true that heavens open
Let my heart be open too
I wanna feel the wind blowing
Be more sensitive to You
Oh, I don’t wanna miss the stirring
I wanna hold the mystery
Oh, ’cause I’m convinced You’re moving
I wanna follow where You lead
So let it be thin right here
I feel You drawing near
Make it a spacious place
Come and have Your way
Lord, whatever it is You’re doing
Lord, whatever You have to say
I’m gonna lay down my agendas
I’m gonna get out of the way
Oh, so lеt my heart be tendеr
Let me lay down every chain
If conviction’s what You’re bringing, oh
I wanna know that I can change…”
As I was pondering those words I heard God’s voice (I would describe it like a thought that comes from my heart versus my head), and He said, “What if it isn’t so much a ‘church’ problem to be solved, as much as it is an opportunity for you, Melissa, to connect more deeply with Me.”
I immediately had a picture of my daughter at school being aggravated by the way her teacher handled something. The principal was no help either as she wouldn’t listen to my kindergartner. My 5 year old daughter was frustrated at a system much bigger than her, one that she couldn’t take on. So, she came home and cried to her daddy about it. He took her face in his hands and said, “Sweetie, you don’t need to carry this. It’s not for you to fix. I will fix this. I will handle it for you.” I saw God take my own face in His hands and speak that over my heart. “Melissa, some things are just not meant for you to carry. Can you let me handle it?”
Here is the thing: Father, Spirit and Son LOVE the church. Humans mess things up left and right, but God is in the business of not only healing broken people, but using broken people to HEAL culture(s) and systems. Division is not the way of God. Bitterness that drives you AWAY from people and purpose, in my humble and honest opinion, is only going to hurt Y-O-U. And I think God has more for you than that. Let bitterness be a tool that pushes you towards balance. The balance of forgiveness, healing, trusting, and even gratitude.
Church may not be a world or community that you relate to, but I am sure that this year has challenged most of us in our own ways. We have collectively walked through trauma and faced tough circumstances and realities. My prayer is that when and if something feels bigger than you, too hard, too overwhelming, you know there is Someone even bigger who is good, who makes things good, who has good things for you, still.
I want to end by saying this: if you are in an abusive or toxic church environment, you can leave it. There are healthy church communities out there. Let’s normalize brokenness and challenging feelings that lead to growth and His glory. Let’s normalize being ok with not being ok and being in process. Let’s normalize being raw with one another and the Lord. Let’s normalize using therapy as tool to be our best selves. 💛
