When Your First Baby Starts Kindergarten

The day your first child starts kindergarten is a big day. It’s a significant transition for everyone, and comes with mixed emotions. Our son, Jackson, started kindergarten this past August and I wrote some thoughts about it. I sat down to journal a few weeks ago and these words just came out…maybe my fellow moms out there can relate. 💛

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Five years flew right by. Whoever coined the phrase “the days are long but the years are short” uttered the most truthful words about motherhood I’ve ever heard. I can close my eyes right now and see Jackson as a newborn in my arms, staring up at me with his curious blue eyes. I remember his busy arms and legs, always moving. I can see him awake in is baby swing reaching for his reflection in the mirror above him.

As a toddler he was my little person, dependent on me, navigating the world with me, side by side. At the park when he tripped and fell I was there to pick him up and offer a hug; when he lost a toy I’d help him find it. If he didn’t feel like talking to someone he could bury his face into my shoulder where he felt comfortable and safe. There was no road, hallway or doorway he had to walk through without me.

Now I stand on the porch and watch him climb onto a bus, pick one of those big seats and sit down all by himself, and then wave to him through the window as he drives away, out of sight. Now he goes to school and is walking many hallways, and through many doorways without me. He is seeing many new faces, and strangers will become friends and trusted teachers. He will form relationships that I may not even know about. He is growing up.

The wonderful thing is that whether or not he knows it, he is ready to take those little “big” steps, and conquer those nervous feelings of uncertainty. He is ready to spread his wings a bit more and experience some independence and responsibility outside from under mommy and daddy’s wings. And I’m learning that it’s our job to build that confidence in him.

The first few nights after kindergarten started the tears would come at bedtime. One night we were snuggled up and he cried that he missed me. That gutted me. I cried silently with him, but I knew in that moment I could add to his insecurity and anxiety about school, or I could bolster his confidence by showing him my confidence. After he got his feelings out I assured him that I heard him and understood that it was a big change, a long day, that he missed me, and that I missed him too. A story came to mind from when Quinn was born and I shared it with him too:

During my labor with Quinn there came a point where my midwife had to break my water. (I left that part out when telling Jackson 😉) As she did I sobbed and sobbed for a good 10 minutes. She was so confused because she didn’t think breaking water should hurt that badly. Finally, I blurted out, “I MISS JACKSON!” Obviously I had only been away from him for half of the day; it wasn’t that I missed him, but that I knew it wouldn’t be the same once Quinn was here. I needed those few minutes to let go, and say goodbye of the way it was to make room for the new and accept the change it would bring…a sweet new addition to our family.

I reminded Jackson that change can be hard, but it’s still good, and it’s just takes some time to adjust. We are all in this together.

There is a physical tearing when you birth your baby. This baby that is a part of your flesh detaches and makes it way outside of the comfort of the womb. As mothers we experience that over and over again as our children grow. It’s not a physical tearing anymore, but an emotional one. I felt that tearing in my heart as my boy waved back at me through the bus window as he drove away to school. The tearing is painful, but it isn’t my job to stop it, or resist it, or to make my kids feel sad about it. It’s my job to rest and let it happen; to feel the pain, but reflect joy in cheering them on as they gain independence. To savor the blessing that is growing and releasing amazing humans into the world.

Jackson, you’re an amazing human. I am honored to share you with the world and to be the mommy who raises you.